Studying for exams leaves me feeling intellectually drained, unable to entertain myself through my usual inner monologue formed by an endless succession of speculative questions connected to each other. That aimless mental wondering - strolling along wise ideas of past thinkers, suddenly finding insight in a strong turn of phrase, jumping from one idea to another by deduction, induction and analogy, sprinting wildly to a different area of knowledge, pausing to breathe and draw conclusions, climbing by supporting myself in my set of axioms and mental framework, reaching some new formulation of an idea that seems breathtaking and then dissolves into thin air, leaving an exhilarating dizziness - is one of my greatest playful joys, but it is at the moment impossible. The thought of exams, always at the back of my mind, acts like a straight jacket on my imagination and reasoning. I have to format my mind to certain types of question and straight, narrow, dim mental pathways, the ones required in exams. I force-feed myself revision topics and past papers.
Why? I can't really justify my own behaviour. I know time would be better spent exploring new, challenging ideas than drumming into myself things I already know, but I have a sense of duty in relation to school that acts as a brake on my mental energy. I wish I could be less of a perfectionist/ masochist in my relation to what I still perceive to be my job - actually, in relation to everything. On the other hand, this drive to succeed in whatever, even if rationally I know that pursuit is not important (connected to feelings of guilt if I don't), helps me reach goals that later make me proud and happy.
I hope that, in the following years, my work will be exciting and demanding, so that I feel an appetite for studying that is connected with increasing my knowledge of the world, instead of just being about performing according to expectations. I like liking to study, because I believe it is fundamental in gaining true understanding of reality, but this type of close-minded training is just a tedious wait for the moment when our work will be measured against standards of conventionality.
I am not against exams. I think that it is important for fairness that there is a way of levelling students nation-wide based on the same standards. Some people argue that, since we have different natural abilities, it is unfair to measure everyone in the same way. In my opinion, this doesn't hold: someone who is unable to do a somersault (like me) is simply not on the same level as an Olympic gymnast, even if the difference is due to natural ability. The abolition of exams wouldn't abolish differences between people, it would just lead to pretending they don't exist. But they do, and we must know what each individual is able to do (and how does his or her performance compare to others' in the same group) to choose people for specific roles they will take in society.
What I do support is that the roles taken by people should not be determined by where they are born and how much money their parents have: fairness is based in giving equal opportunities to all, which implies a much, much bigger state investment in the education of people from disadvantaged backgrounds, and (of course!) a marked redistribution of income. I have no ideological objections to differences in natural features - actually, I believe a diverse society is healthier and produces more, because new ideas are usually the result of the confront of different perspectives.
To put it clear: I think there should be exams. However, they are just a measuring instrument amongst others: they should never be seen as the ultimate goal of education. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic, but I strongly feel that knowledge, an ability to think critically, to express yourself and to participate in the world are the point of education, and that its ultimate goal is giving freedom (and responsibility) to individuals, so that each is able to pursue happiness and contribute to society.
This should never be forgotten, but unfortunately there is at the moment a tendency to see education as a path to exams, which are, in themselves, absolutely sterile. Consequently, both students and teachers become alienated and lose motivation. Obviously, this effect is biggest in students who had, due to social circumstances, less motivation to begin with. Therefore, in these circumstances, exams are an indirect factor of social exclusion.
The general conclusion is that exams are important in evaluating people fairly, but that they should never be at the core of education - people and knowledge should, with the goal of producing a fair society of free individuals. In practical terms, this means less time should be spent in training students for exams by doing past papers or learning irrelevant details on specific topics; instead, students should be encouraged to fully understand what they are studying, to probe deeper, to ask questions and to look for answers in an independent and creative way.
The personal conclusion? I need to improve my ability to relax and put things in perspective, so that I can use my time in a more productive and healthier way. My priorities shouldn't be determined by an education policy with which I disagree.
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