I am leaving for Oxford soon, and I am restless. What does one do before one's whole life changes? Nothing seems even close to appropriate, precisely because it feels as if every single gesture ought to have some significance, while in fact I am just waiting, most of the time on my own. I have packed most things, I have been with some friends, I have looked at lecture lists, I have unfriended all the people I barely know from Facebook (just because it felt that my personal space was cluttered), I have obsessed over vacuous details, I have felt by turns uncomfortable and giddy. I don't seem to have enough concentration to study any maths or philosophy right now; my nerves are pressing against my skin all the time. It is both anticlimactic (no teary goodbyes, parties, or anything you would see in a film) and unfamiliar: this kind of feeling - nagging anticipation, restless isolation, waiting, waiting, waiting - goes ignored in every single book/film/song I know (if you know an exception, please do tell, I would love to pick up pointers and feel part of some common experience). It's no wonder I am also unable to describe it, or pull anything productive out of this.
It's quite interesting to see how differently people can react to the same situation. Although I'll also leave after a few days, I don't feel isolated at all; on the contrary, I feel that I've somewhat restored a little bit more sincere way of communication (for it's been replaced with 'restless isolation' while I've been working). And, most likely just because of that, I feel quite sad, and not at all optimistic, about leaving. But despite these differences, we share the feeling of confusion.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm a bit surprised by your optimism about Oxford. You've said earlier that the only contribution of school to your future is the fact that it got you into Oxford. But haven't any of your teachers or friends at school made a lasting impression on you? We spend most of our childhoods at school, so they should be even more important than universities. And is the whole life going to change after moving out? Does it ever change completely? I'd say that people bring themselves with their character and past (at the very least).
(I would recommend a book/film reflecting a similar situation to yours, but I don't know one which would approximate it well. There are lots of books/films about alienation to oneself and one's environment, but those I know exclude anticipation. Perhaps this absence of works of art simply shows that the state you're in is not very lasting - let's hope your mood will change with arrival to England!)
You're leaving soon, so have a nice trip!